Thursday, April 22, 2010

Finding another gear

So, it's been a while.  I'm still trucking.  Ditching body fat and have broken into a new set of numbers on the scale.  I'm still pretty unhappy with the weight situation - my body is reallllllllllllly fighting me to get this last bit gone.   In all honestly, if I ditched 20 more lbs, I'd be pleased.  Anything more than that is bonus.  

Mrs. J (read: trainer extraordinaire)  has been making me do cardio - and all of a sudden (while I wanted to die, lol) I realized that I've gotten comfortable.  I was working hard, but I wasn't giving it all I really could - and the bummer is that I didn't even realize it.  Something about sprinting uphill in the wind and surviving makes you realize these things.  I suck at running - and I so want to get better at it.  I keep telling myself that if 350+ pound men (a la biggest loser) can run, then so can I.  I have horrible issues with my feet - endurance isn't the thing.  So I'm trying to just eat that.  I've also developed some shin splints in my left leg.  I got into physical therapy for my hip and now that that's much better, we get the shin splints.  My therapist says it's likely my leg re-adjusting to my hip working correctly and overcompensating in other ways.  I'm using "the stick" (google it, then buy one) and hoping it goes away soon.

Next week is my last two sessions with trainer extraordinaire, and I'm so not ready for that.  I've been asked about it over and over at the gym by various people for the last month and I've pretty much avoided talking about it.  Until last night.  I hate how we shove feelings aside and then they randomly decide to pop up at an unexpected time.  Yeah - during your training session isn't the greatest time for that.  Logically, I know I'll be fine.  I'll be (I think) working with Amber, who I really like.  She's funny and has a ton of energy and I dig that.  It's helpful that I already know her.  The problem is - that change is scary.  I suck at change.  And this is the first time I have really seen my body change.  And while I'm the one who ultimately does the work - there's some sort of strange reliance one has on their trainer.  I knew it wouldn't be easy - but I guess I've spent so much time NOT dealing with it that I didn't really realize how much I attribute my success this year in regards to weight loss to working out with Mrs. J. I spent some time talking to Mel about it - and she agreed, that she'd be pretty nuts if she had to switch too.  I was feeling silly and selfish, and ultimately, it is selfish, but it's not silly.  Strange how one can get so attached to someone who makes you do things that you really hate.  

Processing is good and writing is suppose to be cathartic right?  Here's hoping.  I'm not overly emotional very often - I'm pretty used to holding it together - so all of a sudden I'm feeling a bit out of sorts.  It's just one more growing opportunity and ultimately I know it'll be one of those things I look back on as launching me into a space where I can keep this up on my own and then for the rest of my life, but that doesn't make it any less scary or suck any less.  It also means the loss of a weekly ass kicking/chat with a good friend - maybe that's the hardest part.  

At any rate - I appear to be in a bit of a funk - or fog - or something.  I hope it passes soon.  But, in the meantime, I'll still be kicking my ass at the gym - I've got work to do.  

1 comment:

amanda said...

Girl, you are ROCKING it out! I am SOOO impressed with you. You are truly an inspiration, no lie. I find myself in a mental battle every time I get ready to work out so thanks for keeping up with your posts, it really helps me stay motivated!

(And I googled the stick, very interesting. Do you like it?)